Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
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I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do