What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
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The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
That was easy.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.