Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
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I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO