I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
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Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.