[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
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[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Cake safety first. Always.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.