then why did i get this email
You Might Also Like
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Hank is one in a melon.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back