Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
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How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.