You Might Also Like
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”