[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
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[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
who wore it better?
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Looking at you, Jesus.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
This did not end as expected.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
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