Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
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(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Alexa: *deep breath*
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
President The Rock Obama
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.