Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
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what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar