Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
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With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again