Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
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No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Liquor Store Parking
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.