This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
You Might Also Like
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*