My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
You Might Also Like
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.