wtf is an acronym
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one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.