Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
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“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Why do meteors always land in craters?
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster