waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
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I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.