YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
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me, too, girl. me, too.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing