Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
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Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.