I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
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Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
life finds a way
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
accurate
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.