Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
You Might Also Like
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial