I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
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hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”