[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
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When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Me too door. Me too.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.