“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
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I love art.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Woke up with morning Yule Log
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I am HOWLING at this