men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
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I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.