It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
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Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Dune (2021)
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Gemma Correll
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Spotted in New Orleans.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons