“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
You Might Also Like
This cat wants you to take your pills
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money