I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
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This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.