I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
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Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Social Media and Real life
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader: