I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
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I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Breaking news:
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.