[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
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GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.