[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
You Might Also Like
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
A short story of betrayal:
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.