yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
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It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.