40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
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Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
<- sleeps well with others
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Not all heroes wear capes…
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…