The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
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*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
🐕🍷
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!