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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Cheer up.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.