A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
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Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there鈥檚 no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
When people try to debate me online I鈥檓 just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn鈥檛 exist
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He鈥檚 the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 馃槼
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
[wedding day]
fianc茅: I shouldn鈥檛 have let you pick the photographer
me: but he鈥檚 my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.