[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that đ
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
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If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didnât?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
âHis house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.â
-an obituary
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when youâre confronted with a weirdo…well thatâs why we have the word weirdo.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
No honey, Iâm not going to âjust lay around and watch football all dayâ. Thereâs basketball and golf on too.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
âno one remembers the weird thing you said at that partyâ actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
When you hear those 4 awful words:
âBreak into small groupsâ
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Teachers: âThere are no stupid questionsâ
Parents of toddlers: âThere are mostly stupid questionsâ
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
ME: Hold on, letâs stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so goodâŚâŚand he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really canât make this stuff up.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Proctology is located in A55
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
oh shit
If I ever meet you and you donât look anything like your avi,youâre buying drinks for me until you do