[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
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robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Siri: Retweet me.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…