wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
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I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!