What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
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PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police