My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
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It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.