printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
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Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
is this store having a stroke wtf
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.