In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
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Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
It do be feeling this way.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life