me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
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They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
describing stardew valley
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Damn he played himself
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Come back with a warrant
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.