Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
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Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
some cats are just doing for fun!
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip