*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
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I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”