Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
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Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
*gets down on one knee*
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors