There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
You Might Also Like
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
prepare for carbonated trouble
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”